THE GRUMPY OLD TOY COLLECTOR #6: Kiss My Jingle Bells

THE GRUMPY OLD TOY COLLECTOR #6: KISS MY JINGLE BELLS

So, we’re now firmly into the holiday season. If there were a way for me to hibernate until December 26th, I’d gladly do it. Y’know, holidays are supposed to last DAYS, not MONTHS. Time was, if you put up Christmas lights and decorations before December 1st, you’d be dragged from your home and dunked in rancid eggnog! The Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade then made it OK to put that stuff up the day after Turkey Day. I don’t know which dang fool decided to bypass Thanksgiving and start decorating for Christmas the day after HALLOWEEN, but I’d like to take them out in the middle of a cornfield maze and hit them in the lungs with a shovel!

So, toy collecting this time of year’s always a royal pain in the keister. You either can’t find anything, or everything hits all at once and it’s overwhelming. Plus, the stores do their best to confuse the crap out of you by moving everything around. “Action figures? Oh, yeah, they’re next to the PESTICIDES now.” Well, of course they are! How silly of me not to automatically have known you’d put children’s playthings next to poisons.

So, the toys they appear to be trying to cram up our butts this holiday season are those Beyblades things I bitched about previously, and “Bigfoot the Monster.” Have you seen this thing in action? Most stores have a display set up with a “TRY ME” button. It looks like an Ewok’s retarded cousin having a highly choreographed seizure. I think it farts at least twice in demo mode. If your kid asks for one of
these things, you’ve already failed as a parent.

As far as the toy collecting scene goes, supposedly the new Concept Art and Comic Series waves of “Iron Man 2” are hitting, but I’ve yet to see them at retail. I’ve seen wave 7 of “Star Wars: The Clone Wars” (Shaak Ti, Baby Boba, Embo, Mando Warrior, and R4-Peestain), but not wave 8 (Quinlan Vos, etc), although it’s hitting already, too. The Vintage Collection wave 4 has also hit, as well as the variants of Jedi Knight Luke, Boba Fett, Clone Trooper, and Anakin Skywalker relabelled as Darth Vader.

Hasbro’s Marvel Universe figures have some great new characters coming out that most of us will never find at retail. Of course, even if we do, there’s that obscene $9 price. They have a term for this: BOHICA.

McFarlane’s HALO toyline looks pretty decent, although I’ll admit to never having played the games. The sculpts are great, and I’m told the toys aren’t as porcelein-fragile as past McFarlane lines. The vehicles look like a lot of fun, too.

“Tron Legacy.” Sorry, but the toys look way lame compared to the movie’s trailer. Plus, light-up figures suck and are expensive. I think I’d have more fun with a figure of Jeff Bridges from “True Grit” than “Tron.” These look to be this year’s “Avatar” or “Star Trek” toys.

Now, get out of my face. Go build a Mos Eisley Cantina out of gingerbread, or something equally stupid!

Or do something mildly intelligent, and head into the forum to discuss!