THE GRUMPY OLD TOY COLLECTOR #5:  Finger Skateboards and Other Crap

There are toys I have no interest in, like, say, Mighty Morphine Power Rangers, and then there are toys whose entire concepts I just don’t get. I think it’s because I’m not yet senile enough to be as stupid as the kids these things are intended for. Mainly, the ones that really make me scratch my bald spot raw are the finger toys. These are those miniature skateboards and die-cast dirtbikes that you push around plastic obstacle courses with your fingers.

Die-cast cars, planes, motorcycles, and what-nots, I can comprehend. Hot Wheels, I can understand. They are replicas of cars that you pretty much have no chance of ever owning in reality, and sometimes of cars that don’t even exist in reality! But, skateboards and bikes? If you’re a cripple or something, I might see the appeal of these things. I mean, I never could ride a skateboard, even back when I was physically capable of doing so. But, kids that could do it without breaking their spines, more power to ‘em! So, unless you’re one of Jerry’s Kids, go buy a real skateboard or a real bike and ride them. No wonder we have 12-year-olds that weigh over 400-lbs! They’re sitting on their butts, inside, riding bikes with their fingers!

The skateboard crap really amazes me, though. I mean, they’ve got all sorts of wild set-ups so you can push a little piece of plastic on wheels around on little plastic playsets. What the hell ever happened to kids making stuff for their toys? Seriously, when I was a kid, playing with the original 12” G.I. Joes, we built stuff. The kids across the street from me had a huge backyard, and we took old boards, coffee cans, and all kinds of crap we scavenged from vacant lots and built forts and stuff for the Joes to play in. Then we took Silly Putty and used that to give them horrific battle wounds. It worked out great because Silly Putty was basically the same color as G.I. Joe flesh! Their garage was on a hill, so we dug tunnels into the side of the hill for the Joes to crawl through. By cracky, I’m surprised that garage never collapsed from the holes we dug in that hillside!

Now, there have been little figures to ride the skateboards for awhile. Tech-Deck has those thumb-based critters, and there are others: some cartoony, some realistic. Wal-Mart now has those die-cast bikes with exclusive, articulated, little bike-riding action figures. They’re apparently based on real people that are gods to the dirtbiking set, but they mostly look like the slacker morons that washed out of G.I. Joe training in under five seconds, then got taken out back and quietly decapitated by Snake Eyes.

When I was a kid, about the only Nerf toys that existed were the basketballs and footballs. Now, I’m really tempted to buy these Nerf swords and battle-axes I see hanging from the pegs. They look like they’d be really excellent for bonking nitwits in the head who get in the “10 Items or Less” checkout lanes with forty-eight cans of cat food! Especially the new axe that has three blades on it. Heck, I bet I could scare the yappy little chihuahua upstairs from me into cardiac arrest with that thing! Of course, Nerf warns you to never poke anyone in the eye with these faux weapons, because you could still possibly put out an eye with them. I just cackle as I keep hearing that line from “A Christmas Story” over and over again in my head. You know the one!

After endless ages of seeing the same “Iron Man 2” action figures on the pegs, newer stuff is appearing in time for the DVD release. Remember, those $5-off coupons that were packed in with some figures awhile back are good til next February, and some of those coupon-bearing figures are back up on the pegs again, too. I picked up the newer one, and saved five bucks, while also picking up another Hulkbuster Iron Man to customize into a battle-damaged version. It’s gonna look sweet next to my Marvel Universe Hulk! Also, that 6” Wal-Mart exclusive Iron Man Mark IV with Tony Stark head is a big improvement over the sticky, loose-jointed Mark V exclusive (which seems to be pegwarming).

The cheers from “Star Wars” collectors as more Jabba’s Throne sets started hitting the shelves at Wal-Mart again nearly shorted out my hearing aides! Yes, these things are awesome, and knowing they’ll get into the hands of more collectors warms my cockles. Plus, the ones who didn’t get them back in August will finally stop whining about it! Plus, the new “Clone Wars” wave with Ki-Adi-Geezer, Clone Pilot Gecko, and Burn-Baby-Burn Clone is making the rounds. Haven’t seen the variant Vintage Collection Boba Fett yet at retail, nor the Saga Legends switcheroo on the armored Darth Vader - whose bright idea was it to bring back that 500th Figure Vader? That thing’s practically a fossil by the standards of modern sculpting and articulation! It would’ve made more sense to re-issue the ANH Vader from the 30th Anniversary Collection, minus the Obi-Wan robes/figure stand.

Will someone at Target please yell at the folks at Schleich (or however its spelled) and tell them to stop making insipid ducks, hedgehogs, and other animals that just end up as roadkill? The Great White Sharks, lions, and other maneaters are cool, but where are the monkeys and apes?! Chimps, gorillas, and other poo-flinging primates are completely ignored in their animals line. And while the dragons and unicorns that go with the knights and faeries are kinda cool, what happened to ogres, trolls, and other monsters?

Speaking of monsters, I’m reminded as we near Halloween that, just before Remco went out of business in the mid-‘80s, they had a pretty cool line of Universal Pictures-based monster action figures. Like “Star Wars” and “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero,” they were 3 3/4-inch scale, and even had a cool little vinyl, fold-out Haunted House playset. Someone needs to bring something similar out again. The heck with these ultra-articulated, twenty-buck collectors pieces! We need Dracula, Frankenstein, The Wolf Man, et al, out on cards for around seven bucks ... with a haunted house playset, too! If Playmates Toys hadn’t botched the “Star Trek” line so badly, I could have easily seen them doing it.

Now, go have fun trick-or-treating ... just stay off my lawn, dammit! 

And while you’re staying off my lawn, head into the forum to discuss!