THE GRUMPY OLD TOY COLLECTOR #4: DIE YOU WHATEVER-YOU-ARE’S!

First of all, there’s all these toys that are based on stuff I have no clue about. All I know is, this garbage is hogging the pegs like made. It looks like some kinda Japanese cartoon-based crap, but it’s even worse than all the previous Japanese cartoon-based crap ever, combined! Near as I can tell, all they really are … are tops! You know, those things you wind string around, then yank the string and make them spin like mad. Those things were boring when I was still in pre-school with Pebbles and Bam-Bam! But make them look vaguely Asiatical, and kids are plunking down ridiculous sums for plastic, electric tops.

Zhu Zhu Pets … now these things have battle armor? Are you for seriously not kidding me with this?! Why are these things hogging pegs in the action figure aisle? They are damn ELECTRONIC TOY HAMSTERS WITH PLASTIC ARMOR, not action figures! Cram them back over by the Fur Real Friends and Littlest Pet Shop and Polly Pocket garbage, before I’m forced to get some hairspray and a BIC lighter and make a point.

So, I’m finding new “Star Wars” toys and new G.I. Joe toys and new Marvel Universe toys. Why am I not finding new “Iron Man 2” toys? I mean, I’ve been seeing the same five figures on the pegs … THOUSANDS of the exact same five figures! They did make other figures, right? For awhile there, I was finding Hulkbuster Iron Man and Titanium Man and Alcoholic Iron Man, and I seem to remember a promise of more to come. Then all the newer, cool stuff dried up and we were back to the same stuff that was out back in APRIL again! Remember the “Indiana Jones” line? Iron Man Mark VI has becoming the Mutt Williams of 2010! Oh, and those Wal-Mart exclusive 6” figures? Great, right up until they did Suitcase Iron Man (Mark V, I think). Sloppiest paint applications and loosest joints on a figure I’ve even seen. The frickin’ paint is still STICKY, for the love of rama-lama-ding-dong! Did Hasbro ship these suckers in a giant terrarium to maintain maximum moisture levels?

Oh well, lack of “Iron Man 2” product that’s even worth spitting on means I can concentrate on “Star Wars.” The Vintage Collection is kicking ass and taking names. Holy ground bovine flesh, but wasn’t that Jabba’s Throne set amazing? Too bad Wal-Mart only bought two per store, because I bought two and would have bought three if I could’ve found it ever again. Some places, these things disappeared within a matter of seconds! They were on the shelves, you sneezed, and some toy ninja came in a snagged them before you. I know people who NEVER saw these at retail, and had to rely on friends in other states to score sets for them. Same thing with Kmart’s Jodo Kast exclusive. One store got fifteen in and had them all out on the pegs. A friend of mine snagged three that first night (thanks for getting mine, Joe!), then went back the next morning and they were all gone! And how crazy is that Darth Maul/Owen Lars “Star Wars: Visionaries” Comic Pack from SDCC, huh? The Celebration V Camie/Fixer one … eh, I guess. But Mechanical Maul effin’ rocks, by cracky! Looking forward to the next Vintage wave from “Revenge of the Sith,” with Imodium-bender Darth Sidious, at long last.

The new G.I. Joe stuff … um, okay, sure, whatever. Glad Hasbro backed off that idiotic $9.99 price point (what were THEY smoking?), but I’m not overly excited by what I’m seeing. COBRA has to ride trikes, really? It looks like they stole Wolverine’s “X-Men Origins” toy motorcycle, then made it a trike just so we’d know it was lame. And if COBRA’s gonna be globe-hopping now, where’s my Baroness-in-a-bikini figure, huh? Seriously, who’s gonna shoot her if she’s sporting a black two-piece and six-inch heels? And where’s my Tom Noonan/Dr. Mindbender figure already? The guy was Frankenstein in “The Monster Squad” and Red Dragon in “Manhunter,” but still doesn’t haven’t an action figure!

“The Clone Wars” is growing on me, kinda like toenail fungus. That whole Galactic Battle Card Game … um, the ‘90s called, and they want that back! Give us figure stands, by all means, and some extra weapons, but game cards and dice are just yawn-inspiring. The new Grievous is a riot, and Aurra Sing is badass. The line might be primarily geared towards kids, but it definitely has some collector appeal, too.

Oh, and it looks like Mattel is trying to horn in on the whole Living Dead Dolls craze a decade too late. Go over to the Barbie aisle and you’ll see this “Monster High” doll line. The daughters of Dracula, Frankenstein, The Wolf Man, The Mummy, and The Creature, as well as the son of Medusa, apparently all go to the same high school and dress like rejects from the lamest Halloween costume contest ever. Anyone buying these things for their kids needs to be pummeled with the entire Universal Pictures Classic Horror Legacy Editions DVD collections!

On a final note, whose kids do I have to chase off my lawn to get a figure line based on Spike TV’s “Deadliest Warrior” series launched? ‘Cause I’ll do it, you know!

Now, put down your iPods and Twitters and Faceybooks and head into the forum to discuss!