Happy Festivus 2021 Everyone!

Posted by Chris on 12/23/21 at 07:05 AM Category: Holiday

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Festivus is my favorite holiday of the year. Every December 23rd my mood lightens and there is a spring in my step. If you believed me earlier this year when I said Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, you're an idiot. I was only being nice. No, this is my favorite holiday, and it's because of the airing of grievances. I've got a lot of problems with you people, and I finally get to unburden myself. I typically break the airing of grievances into collecting grips and general complains, but you know what? From a collecting standpoint, you people haven't been too bad this year. Sure, you get whiny about things over which Hasbro has absolutely no control, such as the ongoing global shipping crisis, but for the most part you've been okay. This year, I'm only going to cover my general grievances. Here we go:

1. Stop ironically saying "spoiler alert" before stating the obvious.

Look, you do it. I do it. We all do it, but it's done.

Hasbro announced a new wave of Walmart 50th figures. Uh, spoiler alert, they're all repaints.

It's completely played out. It's "been there / done that". Do you see what I did there? Are we all in agreement? No more, okay? Spoiler alert: If you do it again, I'm going to kick you in the test tables. You know what I mean.

2. If you bring a full shopping cart into self check out, you deserved to be murdered.

The self check out is for people with 10 items or fewer who don't use a shopping cart and carry all their purchases in their hands despite how heavy the gallon of milk and 12-pack of...soda...becomes after walking around the store for 15 minutes. It's for people in a hurry who realize the massive value of minimizing your time inside a Walmart store. It's not so you can roll up with your heaping shopping cart and treat the self check out register like a video game while you tie up 25% of the available stations for an hour. If you spend more than 120 seconds at the register, poison darts should shoot at you like a Mayan temple in an Indiana Jones movie. Yes, that's two Indiana Jones references in two consecutive days. If you're upset about it, write your own Festivus article, lazy.

3. Stop leaning on your shopping cart and shuffling your feet across Walmart.

Look, I spend a lot of time in Walmart. Sue me. If you're one of these people who heaves their bulk over the handles of their shopping cart, just end it now. Standing upright is not that hard. Trust me. I'm not above laziness, but assuming the correct posture on the evolutionary chart of man is not something I find difficult. If you can't navigate the store without resting half your body weight on the handles of your overworked shopping cart, just give in and go for the rascal. Why half-walk when you can ride? Amazingly, the only thing slower and more obstructive in the aisles of Walmart than the rascals are the shopping cart leaners. Finally, when you're doing this, you're thrusting your butt out at the rest of the shoppers. No one wants to see that.

Good. I'm glad we had this talk. Lastly, if you take this too seriously, you're likely to end up in next year's article.