Festivus 2024 Is Finally Here

And know we come to the part of Festivus where we air our grievances from the past year. I've got a lot of problems with you people, and by a lot, I mean three. Well actually two, but that makes me angry, so it becomes three. You'll see.

1. Ebay Sellers

Attention Ebay Sellers: THE AMOUNT OF PACKING TAPE ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE BOX DOES NOT IMPACT HOW WELL THE ITEM INSIDE THE BOX IS PROTECTED. ONLY THE PACKING MATERIAL INSIDE THE BOX MATTERS, YOU MORONS. The number of times I will get an Ebay package where every single seam of the box is hermetically sealed as if the contents are some sort of hazardous waste, only to have the item rattling around inside protected by two cumpled up Walmart bags, is killing me. Wrapping the shipping box like it's some sort of packing tape mummy provides absolutely no advantage. In fact, if I have to use a circular saw to open the packaging, it actually increases the chance that I will damage the item in the process. One strip of packing tape over the flaps are all that is needed. Two is overkill, but do that if you're worried about it. The days of packing tape armor need to end.

2. People Taking Right Turns Off Of Busy Roads

This one is starting to make my blood boil, and I swear it's getting worse. We have a four lane divided highway with a 40 MPH speed limit that cuts through the big commerce section of this immediate region. For most of the popular attractions, such as Walmart, there is a dedicated right turn lane for those getting off the hamster wheel, but for one particular strip mall, the right lane is shared with people going straight. Those trying to get to destination a little further up the road have to sit behind those going to buy 50,000 calories worth of Little Debbie snack cakes at the local grocery.

It's getting to the point that this right hand departure is backing up traffic to the previous stop light. It's great that those going to Big Lots, Market Basket, and the UPS Store have reached their destination, and can leisurely ease into the parking lot, BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO COME TO A VIRTUALLY ALL-STOP TO TAKE THE RIGHT. I am constantly getting stuck at this light, which is one of those forever "everyone gets a turn" lights, because one or two cars in front of me takes that turn at 2 MPH. It's maddening. I'm not asking people to take the turn on two wheels like Bo and Luke Duke, but there is a happy medium here.

I've noticed this happening everywhere, but this is the most impactful spot where this annoying trend has manifested. Is it because of the explosion of SUV's with their higher centers of gravity that people take turns with such trepidation? Now you may be asking, why don't I use the left lane when I get to this spot? It's because Target is the very next right, and in heavy traffic, there isn't always enough time to get over.

3. I Can't Remember My Number Three

This is getting so annoying. As I've mentioned several times in the past, this is my favorite article of the year. During the rest of the year, it can be hard to find inspiration to come up with a collecting take every single weekday. But I love writing about annoyances. I wish I could write this article weekly. To that point, that's how often I have Constanza-eque hissy fits complete with involuntary sarcastic comments. But this isn't a weekly column, so as things come up, I mentally note them for the annual article. I never remember them. I could write them down. I've actually thought about stubbing this article with bullet points throughout the year, but I feel that violates the sprit of Festivus.

And on that point, Festivus isn't over until one of you can pin me. Be sure to note your grievances in the comments below. Lastly, this doesn't rank high enough to become a grievance, but I wanted to note it. I hate when you approach a choke point in a store, where the foot traffic will have to go single-file, and the person in front of you has a limp. Do you speed up around them like a jerk, or shuffle along behind them in misery?

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