Festivus 2022 Is Officially Upon Us

Posted by Chris on 12/23/22 at 07:05 AM Category: Holiday

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Once again, on this merriest day of the year, I get to unburden myself of a trio of grievances. Happy Festivus, everyone.

1. Mystery lights in the night sky are NEVER aliens.

Look here UFO people, if you see strange lights in the night sky, if might technically be a UFO, but it is absolutely not aliens. It's the one thing you can rule out. How do I know? Some civilization that has the ability to cheat Estenian physics to traverse the universe at speeds faster than light and also avoid all of our military detection, ISN'T GOING TO TURN ON THE HEADLIGHTS ONCE THEY GET HERE TO BLOW THEIR COVER! I'm fairly certain their night vision technology would be slightly better than ours. Strange lights in the night sky are definitely terrestrial, which might make the Phoenix Lights even more terrifying.

2. ENOUGH DAMN STREAMING SERVICES!

For years cable customers asked for the option to choose their channels a la carte instead of having them bundled. Streaming services are the cursed monkey paw fulfillment of that wish. It seems that streaming services are to networks and studios what Netflix specials are to stand-up comedians. EVERYONE GETS ONE! And the way they spread out the content across the services makes me pine for the days of being forced to pay for HSN and religious channels. It will only be a matter of time before an episode of The Mandalorian starts on Disney+ and concludes on Hulu.

Team up guys. We're getting tired of this.

3. Walmart aisles need passing lanes.

Yes, Walmart cracked my grievances list last year too, but to be fair, other Walmart shoppers are the most annoying creatures on the planet. Here's a cruel truth: The size of a Walmart shopper is inversely proportional to their walking speed. The slower they walk, the more of the aisle they take up. Combine that with the mid-aisle 4 way displays, and you're faced with gridlock. I'm from the Boston area and Boston is the most congested city in the United States (look it up). Still it's less frustrating traveling the Mass Pike at rush hour than it is trying to traverse a Super Walmart at noon on a Saturday. Making matters worse, the toy section and beer always seem to be on exact opposite sides of the store. During peak store hours, the top speed on that long back main aisle is Tim Conway. We need express lanes for the ambulatory.

Okay, that concludes your annual off-topic content here at Bantha Skull. You'll be back to you're regularly scheduled programming on Monday (assuming nomad finishes photographing the Rescue set).