THE GRUMPY OLD TOY COLLECTOR #7: It’s Raining Crap

“Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” stuff has also hit the shelves. JAKKS Pacific, the former WWE licensee, has acquired the line after Zizzle went fizzle. There are two lines of figures, 3-3/4” and 7”. The 3-3/4” has five figures in Series One: Jack Sparrow, Blackbeard, Barbossa, Gibbs, and Angelica. There are three deluxe figures with action feature accessories: Jack Sparrow, Blackbeard, and Barbossa. The figures all have light-up ultraviolet accessories that reveal the secret skeleton features of each character. The 7” line has almost statue-like figures of Sparrow, Blackbeard, Barbossa, Gibbs, and Angelica, each of which comes with a piece to build a sixth figure, Gunner. There’s also a Queen Anne playset, a Jack Sparrow roleplay set, and two foam roleplay, electronic swords. The 3-3/4” figures have more articulation than the Zizzle figures, but otherwise look almost identical to the old Zizzle line. I’m not sure that’s the smartest idea, since that line tanked. Also, Zizzle only had to deal with a year-long gap between “Dead Man’s Chest” and “At World’s End.” There will be a longer wait until POTC5, and keeping the attention of fickle kids and collectors while Johnny Depp makes the 75 other films on his plate ain’t gonna be easy. This line could find itself torpedoed before it even leaves the docks.

Pix of the “Green Lantern” movie toys just aren’t wowing me. He’s a cool second-tier DC Comics hero, but he’s not Batman, Superman, or even Swamp Thing. This line might do gangbusters sales out of the gate, then fade fast. As we saw with “Star Trek” and “Avatar,” a hit film doesn’t always translate to hit action figures.

Go into the big-box stores, you’ll still see the same 6 or 7 “Iron Man 2” pegwarmers cluttering up the joint. But, if you have an Aldi’s or a Kroger’s near you, you can find the limited Ultimate Iron Man, War Machine, Concept Whiplash, and Mandarin wave. Yeah, that’s genius distribution there! Just wait until the ScarJo Black Widow, Helmetless Iron Man, and Helmetless War Machine all end up as frickin’ T.J. Maxx exclusives, and we’ll see what little consumer support for this badly bungled figure line finally disappear altogether.

So, there’s a few “Star Wars” waves that all hit around the same time. It was a bit expensive, especially when stores hiked prices after the post-holiday resets. Normally, I don’t think about the impact of these price increases beyond myself, because I’m a selfish s.o.b.. But, recently, I saw a couple of little boys looking at all the new figures, trying to decide which ones to get. Now, their Dad comes along and reminds them they can only spend $7 each. Not a single one of the figures they were looking at was less than $8! I felt bad for these kids, figuring maybe the crappy economy had cost Dad his job or something ... and then I saw the case of beer in Dad’s shopping cart. And I just wanted to yell at him, “Hey, cheapo, if you can afford beer, you can afford to cough up two extra bucks for your boys!” But I kept my mouth shut, figuring this would be a good character-building experience for the kids. This way, in 30 or 40 years, the kids won’t have to spend too much time debating whether or not to put Dad in a crummy, run-down nursing home, or cough up the extra cash to put him in a good one. “Shee-yoot, that’d cut into my BEER BUDGET!” And then, I went ahead and bought my Aqua Droid, Commander Wolffe, El-Les, Anakin, and Ahsoka figures. And, what is up with the face on the new Ahsoka figure? She looks like she just walked in on Shaak Ti giving Yoda a tongue-bath! I hope they don’t screw up the Darth Maul’s Little Brother figure this badly.

Okay, I’ve got pigeons that need to be tasered with my new stun-gun cane, so get on over to the forums and share your brain-droppings.