The Top 5 Products We DON’T Want In The Vintage Collection

Posted by Chris on 08/08/17 at 05:52 AM Category: Top 5

Here are five items we DO NOT want to see brought to light in the Vintage Collection. We are selecting items that we think are bad ideas for Hasbro to produce. They are either bad ideas because we foresee problems with brick and mortar sales, or just because we say so. Mostly it's the latter. But Hasbro, you should listen. We're pretty wicked smart.

1. Tzizvvt

Man, this guy can go pound sand.

What is the collector fascination with this character? To say Tzizvvt appears in A New Hope is the technicality of all technicalities. He appears only as a highly out of focus blob in the background of a few frames. Knowledge of this character stems from the various behind the scenes materials for A New Hope. I swear collectors ask for this figure to prove how arcane their knowledge of Star Wars is. It's like the golf pedant who purposely insinuates an impossible situation during a round just so he can quote some obscure aspect of the rule book. HOORAY FOR YOU. You know some obscure detail most people don't care about.

This figure has been so frequently and heavily rumored that we know it's coming at some point. So the only point of this entry is to serve as an "I told you so" when the figure eventually peg warms. There are a huge number of cantina characters that deserve plastic immortalization ahead of Tzizvvt. Heck, Hasbro, we did all the work for you right here. Print out that list and throw a dart at it. Whichever character you hit is a better selection than Tzizvvt. Unless you hit Tzizvvt. In which case it's a do over. Repeat until you don't hit Tzizvvt. Then make that figure. Also, by the rules of street football, if the dart hits a wire, you get a do over for that, too.

2. Realistic Rebels figures

Man, these guys can go pound sand.

Here's another terrible idea, so therefore we know it's coming. Slots in the Vintage Collection are a precious commodity. It should be viewed as the Action Figure Hall of Fame. It's not the Hall of Very Good like the Baseball HOF. It's not the Hall of People with Last Names like the Basketball HOF. The Vintage Collection is for only the very best sources.

Since the Vintage Collection cannot go on in perpetuity (despite the legislation I submitted to my Congressman), every figure that gets made means something else doesn't get made. Every realistic Rebels figure that occupies space in the Vintage Collection will be like a thousand daggers to the hearts of collectors. Well, that's overstating it a bit. It will be like a thousand daggers to my heart. I don't care if you own all the seasons on 4K UHD HDR PCSGGYS discs, and you desperately want a realistic Ezra. You and the other six Rebels super fans can go form a support groups somewhere and cry over your Chopper plushies. LEAVE THE VINTAGE COLLECTION ALONE.

Hasbro, you work only an hour or so away from the Basketball Hall of Fame and you've never been. So you know we're right.

3. Lobot

Oh no they di'int!

Shut the front door! Did the cantankerous old farts at Bantha Skull just throw shade at one of the sacred Original 92? You bet your sweet ascot we did. Even though we would be fine if Lobot was never updated, it's mostly the card that we take exception to. The hallmark of Vintage Collection cards is their vibrancy. But look at that thing. It's all washed out and looks like my overexposed photography in the figure gallaries. It's dull and has no "shelf appeal".

Hasbro, if you're going to put this figure in the Vintage Collection (and we know you are), we give you permission to update the card art. Don't worry about the vintage purists who are going to complain. We will beat them up for you. Well, we won't. We'll hire Adam Baldwin to beat them up. Of course, then the purists will probably hire that scary bald guy to beat up Adam Baldwin. Then it would just become a vicious escalation of bullies-for-hire. It would really just boil down to a race to see who can hire Clubber Lang first. If any of you know how to get in contact with Clubber Lang, please contact us ASAP.

Also, Hasbro, if you wanted to change the character's name so that it's a phonetic representation of how Dr. Zoidberg would pronounce it, we grant you permission to do that as well. Lowbit. It's a terrible idea, so don't do it. But do it.

4. Jaxxon

Man, this guy can go double pound sand with a side order of cactus.

Take all the arguments we made against Tzizvvt. Then take all the arguments we made against realistic Rebels figures. Then multiply them by elevnty million. The product is Jaxxon. The Vintage Collection is SERIOUS. Take it serious, by gosh. Do not let even an ounce of camp or kitsch creep in. The fans that root for these things are like vampires. Once you invite them in, you can never get rid of them, and the line becomes a joke. In that respect, they are also like your single work friend who you invite over but he won't take any hints when it's time to leave even after your wife falls asleep on the couch. Is his studio apartment really that depressing?

If you need to have a laugh at how bad the Expanded Universe could be at times, just go to Jaxxon's Wookieepedia page and get all your giggles out there. He doesn't need to be immortalized in plastic to drive that point home. We really could have made this entry more generic and simply said, "Campy Expanded Universe Characters," because that horse-headed X-Wing pilot also falls into this bucket, but that net is a little too wide. I would personally give my eye teeth if Ackmena, Saun Dunn, Krelman and Chef Gormaanda were made into Vintage Collection figures. I generally live by the rule that "so bad it's good" does not exists. It's not good. You're just leaning into the awfulness. The Star Wars Holiday Special is the one exception to that rule. It's glorious once you get past Itchy's very uncomfortable holographic erotica scene. Seriously, that scene can only be explained by seventies pharmaceuticals.

5. Reproductions of vintage Kenner figures

I don't get it.

This one is really number one on my list, but I feel like I'm about to write a book, and I didn't want to put it at the top and subject this article to "TL;DR". I carry permanent tension in my haunches and back fat that Hasbro is eventually going to do this. Why do fans keep suggesting it? It's like asking your wife if she has any chores for you to do. It's like the fat guy in the tour group who asks to rewatch a portion of the zipline safety video (Bret, it's from South Park). Why do people purposely invite terribleness into their lives?

Any retro product should be a "best of both worlds" scenario. The Vintage Collection should be the best of modern figure technology combined with the best of vintage package styling. Styling is often the best thing vintage has to offer. But asking for a replica of a crappy vintage Kenner figure is like going into a car dealership to buy a modern retro styled muscle car. Then, asking the dealership to put in a tinny AM radio, a terrible suspension, black vinyl seats that abrade your thighs in summer, and to remove the shoulder restraints and airbags, and to replace the fuel injection with a carburetor. It makes no sense.

Furthermore, I don't see any place in the market for such a product. If you want a master's class in product that never sells, go look at the Funko ReAction section of Toys R Us. Fans who would argue that it would be an alternative to shelling out a massive premium for actual vintage carded figures aren't trying hard enough. Between the Gentle Giant Jumbo Vintage figures (inset left) and the high number of Ebay sellers offering high quality vintage re-cards, scratching that itch is easily achievable. There is no need to spin up any Hasbro resources to bring this to market.

Honorable Mentions

The following products have actually been mentioned by a number of fans. This is absolutely true insofar as one is a number, I am a fan and I'm mentioning it here. So you can't sue me for false advertising.