When this figure was revealed, and the resulting disappointment crushed me, I immediately told Mr. Nomadscout that he would have to do the review.  I said that I lack both the maturity and dispassionate professionalism to be able to conduct a review that wouldn’t ultimately embarrass the site.  Then this past weekend, John Miko from the Star Wars The Vintage Collection Facebook Group gave me an advanced sample.  At first I thought this was a very generous gesture.  Then I soon realized he had an ulterior motive.  He was looking forward to the tapestry of obscenities that would soon be hanging in space over Lake Michigan Winnipesaukee.

Let me first be perfectly clear: most of the vitriol in this review is not directed toward any of the Star Wars brand team that you see in the livestreams.  It is directed to the corporate beancounters who can’t pull their heads out of the spreadsheets long enough to give the brand team the incremental extra budget they would need to tool up an all new Han Solo FOR THE MOTHER LOVING 40TH ANNIVERSARY OF RETURN OF THE JEDI.  I know first hand that it truly upsets creative teams when they have to face the wrath of customers for the shortcuts that management forces them to take.  It’s frustrating to say the least.  One last thing, before diving in, I don’t see much reason to dive too deeply into this turd of a figure.  I will dedicate the following paragraph to that, but the conclusion of this review will focus on advice for Hasbro when dealing with Original Trilogy core characters going forward.

Did I mention this figure is a turd?  Because it’s a turd.  If you were pining for the days of kickstand legs, garish torso cuts, and feet riding on edge whenever you place your figure in an action pose, you have reason to rejoice.  We currently live in an era of barbell hips and rocker ankles, but Hasbro takes this SUPREMELY CORE CHARACTER back to technology that cropped up circa 2015.  The arms, and everything from the lower torso down are sourced from 2018’s VC124 - Han Solo, which was very good five years ago, but is woefully dated in 2023. To give you some perspective about how far figures can advance in a half decade, the ROTS line was only five years removed from TVC 1.0.  There is next to nothing newly tooled for this.  Only the head, upper torso and vest are new.  The legs function terribly.  This could be in part due to the fact that the disc on the right hip joint of my figure is fused, but I wasn’t going to risk breaking the holster to find out.  The arms pose well, but unfortunately, the bizarre c-grip left hand is retained.  If you think the figure looks a little “long trunked”, you’re right.  Alden Ehrenreich is 4” shorter than Harrison Ford.  Since Ehrenreich-based legs were reused, the difference in height had to be made up in the upper body.  It looks goofy.  Finally, while the head looks better than the official images, it still looks nothing like Ford, in my opinion.  I continue to vote that it’s a passing resemblance to Rusty from European Vacation.

Now, as far as advice for Hasbro, here’s a rule of thumb:  If you’re planning any OT-based figure whose name sounds like Luke, Leia, Han or Ben, pretend you’re announcing a Black Series figure on a live stream.  In case you don’t know what that means, it seems like 90% of main line Black Series is introduced with phrases such as “All new”, “100% newly tooled”, “latest and greatest”, “new from the ground up”, and “new from the head down.”  The latter was introduced because the penultimate phrase was used so frequently during one live stream, that it was needed to reduce redundancy. 

ANY CORE OT HERO UPDATE FROM HERE ON OUT MUST BE 100% NEWLY TOOLED, EXCEPT IN THE RARE OCCASION WHERE THE REUSED TOOLING BOTH POSTDATES BARBELL HIPS AND IS 100% ACCURATE TO THE SOURCE. 

We’re getting sick of this.  VC191 - Princess Leia (Endor), VC198 - Luke Skywalker (Endor), and VC200 - The Emperor all used frustratingly dated tooling to varying degrees (with Leia taking the cake for odoriferousness).  It’s so annoying, especially when you consider all the forgettable figures that are 100% new.  I have a Reva in a drawer somewhere with barbell hips and rocker ankles, but not a Luke, Leia or Han.  Do not, under any circumstances introduce a new Episode IV Han Solo that is less than 100% newly tooled.  Write off this tooling ASAP.  If you can’t do these right, wait until you can (or better yet, let us pay for the tooling via HasLab).  Don’t force these into the line just to check a box.

Finally, if this VC281 - Han Solo is a poor retail performer, and I suspect it will be, do not blame the source.  It will be 100% your fault for taking the laziest of half measures.  If we hear you say that poor sales indicate a lack of interest in Han Solo figures, we will choose figurative violence.  Any poor sales stem from the fact that VC281 stinks, and nothing else.