Star Wars is a universe where “Ben Kenobi” is apparently an effective alias for “Obi-Wan Kenobi.”  So I guess the fact that a character named Senator Palpatine would someday become Emperor Palpatine shouldn’t be a forgone conclusion.  This is despite the fact everyone outside of the Ebay sellers who list “Hans Solo” figures knew it was going to happen.  Yet for some strange reason it felt like George Lucas and LFL were trying to treat this like the great secret of the Prequel Trilogy…sometimes.  The only problem is that they protected this “secret” as carefully as T. J. Miller protects the secret that the office Christmas party is definitely still on:

Oh, that Christmas party totally happened and it was a wang dang doodle, but there is no way that the character named Senator Palpatine, and played by the same actor who played Emperor Palpatine, was also that Emperor look-alike character named Darth Sidious.  Wink.  Seriously, there is no chance of this which is why the role of Darth Sidious went un-credited (mouths the words “it’s him”).  I seriously can’t figure what the plan was here.  On-screen it seems that Lucas went to great visual lengths to make sure the audience didn’t know that Darth Sidious and Senator Palpatine were one in the same.  In every other instance, it was like a Masonic New World Order conspiracy where the secrets are hidden in plain sight. (You guys seen all that freaky stuff on the dollar bill?)  Maybe that is the case, and all this poorly guarded secrecy really was a wink between the master himself and his lifelong fans.  Together we could laugh at all the idiots who were surprised when young Palpatine turned out to be old Palpatine.  These are the same idiots who thought Jake Lloyd was playing a young Luke Skywalker.  I guess I shouldn’t be too critical.  I’m not convinced that young Val Kilmer and old Val Kilmer are the same person, but that’s a discussion for when we review Real Genius.  Right now we’re reviewing this Flashback Emperor Palpatine figure, and on the subject of sabotaging that secret not-secret, the Flashback photo literally shows Senator Palpatine transforming into Emperor Palpatine.  Really?  I mean COME. ON.  Wink.

As far as the figure itself, I want to state publicly that I hate everyone ever involved in Star Wars at any level, to include the fans, for the fact that I had to photograph it.  The first time I ever opened this figure was for this review.  Lets start off with the fact that the figure is doing The Twist.  In neutral poses, the figure’s hands daintily fall off to the side as if he’s mid boogaloo on the beach with Annette Funicello as Chubby Checker blares from the transistor radio.  When the arms are posed in the lightning hands position, the figure is casting the arcs off to the side for some reason.  It actually reminds me of the McQuarrie Emperor painting that was done for the Return of the Jedi Portfolio. If so, it would explain the fact that the outer robes of the figure are navy blue instead of black.  Any Sith Lord worth his salt knows that navy blue and black clash. I mean COME. ON.  The figure is difficult to stand, particularly when the lighting effects are attached to its web shooters.  This is a mortal sin for any 5POA figure, and I can only assume it’s 5POA because the plastic robes hide (and limit) any would be articulation at the hips.  The arms, pre-posed to cast Sith lightning in the contorted twisted motion, are useless for pretty much anything else.  If I had the time, talent, and any sort of ambition, I would make an animation of the figure doing the Floss Dance.

(Stewie Griffin editor’s note:  Two dance jokes in one review.  Lazy.)

The face resembles a melted pineapple cilantro Yankee Candle both in terms of color and texture.  The scent is undetermined.  Yankee Candle is not a site sponsor which seems like a massive oversight (shoots disapproving glares at nomad).  If you told me it was sculpted out of pistachio pudding, I would believe you.  That guy at Celebration who carves Star Wars characters out of vegetables could craft a more convincing Palpatine out of a rutabaga and two parsnips.  That’s right.  I used all the comedy vegetables in one joke.  I’m that mad.  The lighting affect was admittedly pretty neat for the time, but we would later see much better executions.  The figure gets a 1 out of 10 because that’s as low as the scores go.  It has no value in a collection for display.  If you’ve read my reviews, you know I detest ironic collecting.  So bad it’s good does not exist.  It’s just leaning into a bad thing like purposely inhaling deeply when someone cuts one in an elevator.  Speaking of which, if you watch the embedded Office Christmas Party clip from the beginning, Kate McKinnon cuts one, and that is funny.  And that is where this figure has merit.  It’s so bad it’s laughable like the “Saga” Throne Room Duel Luke Skywalker.  It is worth picking up on the cheap for a giggle.

One last note:  Kate McKinnon is one of the funniest people on the planet.  If you disagree, we’re fighting.