Happy Festivus 2025!

Posted by Chris on 12/23/25 at 07:05 AM Category: Holiday

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Today we celebrate the holiday created by the late, great Frank Constanza. It's a Fesitvus for the rest of us! It's a holiday that takes the pressure off. The decorations are a lone aluminum pole. It installs in seconds. There's no gift giving, so you don't have to rain blows upon the stranger at the toy store who gets the last doll that you wanted to give your son. It all starts with the airing of grievances. Friends, family, and newcomers, let's begin.

Mobile Game Ads

The ads on mobile games for other mobile games are the DEVIL! I can't think of anything that will get me to uninstall a game app faster than the ads. I can't believe there is no regulation or oversight on this. Half of them feel like they are a chromosome or two removed from a 419 scam. You sit through the stupid ad, and then you have to hunt for the "x" to close it. Maybe it's on the left. Maybe it's on the right. Maybe is a white "x" on a white background that can only be identified by the one pixel wide black border that is about one nanometer thick on a mobile phone. Oh, and that "x" is exactly two epithelial cells wide, and if you miss it, the entire rest of the screen opens a pop-up to the app store. Even better, this "x" doesn't close the ad. You just advance to another countdown screen to repeat the same process. GO KICK ROCKS AND DIE! I'm never going to play Royal Match, Royal Kingdom or Winter Survival. If your business model is to annoy users of better games and hope to trick them into installing your app to so you can sell their data, you are a useless pustule on the collective backside of humanity.

Oh, and before you say it, I almost always pay to go ad free on the games I play the most, but there are often "extras" that still require and ad to unlock. To be clear, I don't begrudge apps being supported by ads. I'd be fine with a thirty second product ad like on television. It's the hateful, interminable, and deceitful ads for other mobile games that get my goat.

The In-Store Walmart Shoppers

It wouldn't be a Festivus article if I didn't have a Walmart rant. All you lazy turds who are using curbside pickup are ruining the in-store experience for the rest of us. I hope your Walmart Shopper selects bananas that will turn before you get them home. The boats that the in-store shoppers push around are getting ridiculous. They're the shopping cart equivalent of the Canyonero:

The number one cause of in-store traffic jams are now the Walmart Shoppers. These carts block a third of the aisle and usually only allow one other shopping cart to pass. The worst part is that the shoppers don't exactly know what they're looking for until they find it. So they're not like other shoppers. They can block off large swaths of the store for minutes at a whack while they look for the items they need to pull. And heaven help you if you're walking past an aisle as they're exiting it. They can't see the foot traffic because they're behind twelve yards of shopping cart. Your ankles are doomed.

New England Winter Hardos

With the exception of my four years in the service, I have lived in New England my entire life, and I have no intention of leaving until I can't take the winters any more. I love it here. I swear that up until a few years ago, I never saw someone wearing shorts during winter. Then I feel like it became almost a meme that "people in New England are so tough, they wear shorts in winter." Someone started this as a joke, and it's taken over in reality. Now there's always some tool wearing shorts in freezing weather. First, let me back up a step. The people around here are no tougher than the elsewheres of the country. Being perpetually grouchy and sarcastic doesn't make you tough. I just makes you obnoxious in large doses if you never shut it off. Second, PUT ON PANTS WHEN IT'S COLD OUT. You just look like an idiot.

I'm not exaggerating or embellishing the following one bit. The day was Saturday, December the 13th of this year. I had to make an early morning run to the store. It's eleven degrees Fahrenheit (-11.7 Celsius). You guessed it. I spot a hardo walking through the parking lot in shorts. I think the trend started with men for whom pants might be a little restricting. I'd see them with their exposed pachyderm-like lower legs wind-burned to a bright red and stuffed into untied hightop sneakers that looked to be on the verge of exploding. I would be puzzled that this was a better option than sweatpants. But now the trend has been adopted by the fit and trim. ENOUGH. You're not impressing anyone. WEAR PANTS!

Okay, we now move on to the feats of strength. Festivus isn't over until one of you pins me.

If you're new to these Festivus articles, this is intended to be exaggerated outrage (with a kernel of truth) for comedy purposes. I'm not really this put out (except for maybe the mobile ads). And I absolutely love Christmas. It's my favorite time of the year. So while I respect Festivus, I personally have no need for the alternative holiday. My tree was up the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.